“Oh, why?” they asked though deep inside they don’t even care what were your reasons and why you ended up hopeless.
It all started in May when mornings became sunny and relatively hot. People normally stop daydreaming about fresh start-ups and glowing future right after spring. For me, I wanted a change regardless of the hot promising weather. Changing job or maybe my thoughts! “Hello sun rays. I will shine brighter than you”.
Days went by, ups and downs. My downs were painful yet refreshing! After each failure I grow a different mask, develop a brand new characteristic, be more stubborn and enhance self-centered vibes. Well, I have only stated expected failures! Those predicted/destined to happen that you have just waited them to be. While the “devastated” phenomena implies in those unexpected failures.
You can never imagine how things may escalate in no time just as fire. You think you can take control of everything around you and move on that simple, when you get hit by more disappointments. I felt awful losing a job I quit willingly, a friend I intended to fail and an inner voice I shut off myself. Troubles would be lighter if told! “Oh, how I wish you were here”.
It’s July now! Surprisingly, nights are accompanied with a cold breeze delivers a really good taste to my burns. I, now, leave home with an average smile and honest intention to change one more time. I blow off blackened ghosts and shivering is my new habit.
They asked again “Oh, why?” well, sun rays shone brighter!
Waiting is the most common activity we exercise daily. We spend most of our time in waiting and the rest of it asking to be waited! Waiting can be irritating as hell. It’s that thing you are forced to do unwillingly.
For example: we wait impatiently beside the coffee machine each morning to get that delicious hot liquid and give ourselves another 90 seconds before taking a sip of it. That’s I call a lovely waiting since you are positive you’re going to get what you’ve waited for, regardless of how much it lasts. That 90 seconds could be the longest period ever.
Another example of sweet waiting, when you lean against your car, look at your watch every single minute with the other hand busy in dialing your girlfriend number to hurry her up. Those moments are so damn good to forget. You are waiting just to see her wearing that classy dress you brought her. Each time you see her you feel like it’s the first time you both met, those moments worth to be wasted on waiting.
Let’s picture a mother delivering her first baby, she felt him growing up inside her, carried him, fed him, talked him and waited him day by day. She smiled at him in pain and never wanted to let him go. Now she’s standing at his wedding hoping to see her grandsons to carry them, feed them, talk them and wait them to grow up day by day. This is simply the circle of waiting.
For me, waiting is something close to a kid who’s setting at the table, prepared for dinner and fantasizing about that giant chocolate ice-cream resting in the fridge. He knows he shouldn’t have it till he finishes his vegetables but deep inside believes that’s not so convincing reason. “Why should I wait?? Why am not allowed to have it now where all I need to do is to step up and open the fridge?!!” After an internal emotional crisis he decides not to have either vegetables or ice-cream. Sometimes giving up hope is easier than waiting nothing.
Be a part of nowhere and listen to your inner fear
Fear the conspiracy of silence delivering misery & cheer
Cheer for the blindness that built a shield, black but crystal clear
Clear your mind, your soul, your heart and your wounds’ tear
Tear up the cold harmony of your diabolical shameless wear
Wear the darkened dreads on your sleeve, the pain you can’t bear
Like an autumn tear glowing under the rays..
Calling for empathy, waiting its last days..
Tomorrow is hauling heavens in several ways..
A new eon may bring a new salvation phase..
It is when you fail and fall and growl for your inner threatened powers, and when you start to stagger and shiver and quiver the breeze of September…
It is when your voice fades and flees and weakens your soft breaths, leaving you bare to blacken thoughts as swords of madness reaping and sweeping memories then make you weeping…
It is when salted tears ignite your wounds and they start to swing on the ache tunes and scatter and shatter and flatter those who grant you hatred
It is when you die silently
It is when you cry violently
It is when you crave insanity
All in all it is when you create and state and grate and wait then negate and hate and sate your dissolved desires all the way through a stuffed-with-joy pie in a plate.
Just like any other day, I pushed myself out of bed thinking of how it would be great if I just skip going to work today. I went far picturing myself laying over the couch wearing pajamas with a huge bowl of potato chips and some large Pepsi right close to my hand reach. The idea itself made me smile. I got dressed in less than 15 minutes having everything packed in my giant bag. I waved my mother telling her am leaving and asking for her blessings.
Nothing seemed special this morning. Kids were hanging around before the school’s bells ring, cars were speeding everywhere, even taxis’ drivers who were pushing my buttons by this stinky habit of getting their heads out the window and start appealing to get you a ride, hawkers were yelling for their goods. “For god’s sake who would buy a potato peeler on his way to work?”.
As I approached the bus stop, I got convinced I won’t make it to the office on time. The queue was unbelievable. Hundreds were desperately waiting for the supernatural bus that would lift them all at once. “okay, let’s have fun” I said to myself. So as usual I scanned the place criticizing others’ attitude and appearance as well. Not that I am perfect, but some people can easily irritate you by their outfits or the way they behave. In fact I have already marked couple of girls to monitor their daily habits. I enjoy staring at them as the first sounds old-fashioned somehow; she wears plain long shirts most the time with a suitable pants that match her shirts. While the other girl, I assume she’s her friend, is the exact opposite! The last thing she may worry about is being conservative; I used to get distracted by her style as she really knows how to get all the attention.
You may think “what’s wrong with them being friends?!” but deep inside I knew something was just not going right! Those two girls have nothing in common, not only in appearance but also the charisma. The old-fashioned girl is a complete nerdy, never talk or look around her. She looks so quiet that I can easily tell she’s one hell of a boring friend. On the contrary her friend seems so much fun. She’s that kind of girls who could bring a smile to your face just being around. Seeing them together got me intrigued by this weird relationship until the missing part showed up. A young sexy male headed to them with a smirk on his pretty face. As he got closer, the nerdy girl looked him in the eye “where the hell have you been? We were waiting for so long you know!” she said half whispered half yelled. “Now don’t tell me they are mates? She’s completely out of his league.” I thought shaking my head in denial. Few minutes later he put his hand on the nerdy’s shoulder and said sheeplshy “I couldn’t help it sister, you already know I am not a morning person”. My mind was processing intensely; I hoped the bus won’t arrive before I reveal this little mystery. I needed to prove my point.
Not much after that, I had the picture clear. The stylish girl was secretly giving her friend’s brother those flirty looks with her eyes twinkling. “OMG, she is so into him! I know exactly what a girl feels looking such way at the guy she likes” I said to myself totally surprised. What happened that morning has proven my point so well. ~Life is just about common interests~
“Controlling people is always a good thing to do!”… That’s what I have been told my whole life. People do enjoy having others under supervision and control. At some point, it’s clearly obvious that when you are capable of making decisions for others, you will have the Upper Hand that gives you all the permissions needed to be bitchy.
Recently, I have been offered to take responsibility of the Human Resources Department where I work. At first, I thought it would be so much fun to remote others without mentioning to pull some strings. I started to grab their technical/personal information to form my own image for each one, then I moved to monitor their daily habits and transactions the whole day; I went far recording any single tiny action, movement, word, and even gesture or facial expression they were about to make. I am flattered to say I have created a manual plus to a specs sheet for each personnel so I can easily Automate and Run each.
If you are asking me whether I enjoyed being a control freak or not, I am not ashamed to admit that I did. Actually whenever you feel like knowing people and easily declare they are so predictable, I guarantee you would experience such a relief dealing with them and for sure a little bit joyous to steer them.
“You control them with an Iron Fist” it might sound like a compliment, but when I first heard this sentence I got totally shocked! I want to be at the other side of this equation! I need to be controlled with an iron fist! I am desirous to break the rules, to be irresponsible, to blame others for my faults and to live the joy of being a follower not a leader.
We cannot change the fact of being needy. We love to control but at some point, we prefer to have someone making decisions for us. Though we spend most of our lives searching for our missing needs and ironically ignore the rule of thumb: “curly hair will never be straight”.
Black leaves are falling..
Though great fears are drowning..
As they descend gently down earth..
Left the charm, eluded from destiny…
The undesired path, The blowing..
Hit the ground..
The harsh irreality of the incoming birth..
No one impelled to be brave!
No one knew you would crave!
No one evades falling in a grave!
He was here standing by the shades
And I were the veil of shallow deceit
He enjoyed being my faithful mirror
Reflecting only what I show as well
Grieving all night for my poisoned heat
Feeding on lies I used to tell
One day I gave him a swinging ring
Then I became so envious, the blind retreat,
Wrecked it with tiny selfish hands
And why am whining, why I feel him in my veins
Like a mill feels sorry for the wheat
Eventually, he enjoyed being my faithful mirror
To you with those vicious, malicious eyes,
I can read you..
I hear the echoes of your wicked smiles
When they pass through..
A magic aura covers your lies,
Keeps telling me things I knew..
Always giving birth to new allies,
In my eyes they have never been new..
Didn’t you feel the unseen cries?
Black flames tainted by a dark red hue?..
How many times you won the prize?
How many times you went home blue?..
I needed to count the (HOW)s & (WHY)s,
Before i score out the (I)s you once drew…